HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY - No Flowers P L E A S E

Another Mother's Day here and almost gone. Never felt so depressed - guess it's true, holidays just intensify feelings - just make it "more so."

My truest friend lies in a hospital bed, fighting the last battle of his life, and here am I feeling sorry for myself.

I just don't feel like celebrating my failure as a mother today. I am so sad. I wish I could turn back the clock and be a better mother, wife, friend, person. But I can't. I can only try to do better, even at this stage of my life. I am trying, but my efforts are as wimpy and banal as the tulips that arrive yesterday. There is no life in them and none in me.

I really don't feel like a mother, just an egg donor, caretaker, and on the whole, not a very good one for the most part. Obviously, there are issues, deep issues with my son. Keep your distance, son, it's okay. I accept it, and only wish you well. Have a happy life. I messed you up enough and only hope you can work through the anguish.

And to you my daughter, you are a good daughter. I wish we were closer, but I realize we will never have that type of relationship. I know you try and are very diplomatic, but, I'm a hard person to love unconditionally. You need to find your place in this world, a place that will remain physically distant and emotionally far away. Enjoy your independence, I truly hope you find love and happiness in your quest. I will never hold you back.

Sorry my children, I truly tried to do my best. I thought I had done a good job. I knew I made mistakes, but I also tried not to repeat my mother's. They were my own. I realize now that I am a difficult and sometimes an impossible person to love. It's not your fault, but not entirely mine either. My mother was not an affectionate, loving parent and that set a pattern partly responsible for my difficult personality, leading to many unsuccessful relationships throughout my life.

I hope you do better. You may not repeat my mistakes in your parenting, but I warn you, you will make your own. I just hope your children, spouses, friends and acquaintances will be more forgiving.
- posted by rosemary @ 12:29 PM 0 comments